The Love I Believed we Had for Each Other... Lessons Learned From a Dear Friend

After Jim died, I put myself into hibernation mode. I purposely didn’t date or “put myself out there” because I didn’t want to get into a relationship. My kids were young and I wanted to focus on raising them. I knew they wouldn’t be living at home their entire lives so I wanted to cherish every moment. I figured I’d have plenty of time to date when I knew they were well on their way to adulthood.

My angels, God, and the Universe had different plans for me. During the summer after I retired, they brought into my life a person with whom there was an instant recognition and heart connection. Both of us felt it! The minute we met, we BOTH felt as if we’d known each other forever. In fact, we talked for hours during our first meeting.

It was determined early on in our relationship, that we were going to be strictly friends. However, that didn’t stop the intense feelings we had for each other. Knowing the relationship would never end in a romantic partnership, I felt comfortable being myself. I allowed myself to feel the deep connection of love I thought we both felt between us, and shared my feelings openly and honestly.

For two years, this person and I shared a bond that was frightfully intense. I loved this man with all my heart and I believe he loved me. We shared those words, yet rarely, if ever, talked about any other feelings. I struggled with that because I’m a very open person who felt a need and desire to share from my heart and he, on the other hand, chose not to share with any depth. However, he led me to believe our friendship was more important than his other friendships… supposedly he shared more with me than his other friends. When he was out with friends he was the life of the party, thus, everybody loved him! He didn’t need to share feelings… he shared stories, jokes, and friendly banter!

He was the perfect person to have in my life to help me learn lessons about myself. He became my “mirror” and he “triggered” feelings inside I needed to heal. During the second year of our friendship, he came and stayed with me for a period of time. He’d been sick and needed a quiet, nurturing place to rest and recuperate. Of course, my “mothering” instinct emerged and I offered to basically take care of him. Thinking I was helping him heal from his illness, by giving him energy work and massages whenever he needed it, I was putting myself and my needs on the back burner.

I’d always given so much of myself to others, including him, that I never thought about what I needed. I played the role that was so natural for me… caretaker. Being such a nurturing person and already feeling a closeness with him, I took on the role as soon as he asked if he could stay with me. I wanted to be there for him… to be his friend...to help him in whatever way he needed me to help, just like I would do for any other friend… I loved this man.

Not only did I nurture him, but I lived my life around him. No longer did I feel as if I had my own life where I could come and go whenever I wanted. I fell back into the role of “taking the backset”. My life started to revolve around him.

Upon reflection, after he left my home, I realized I was doing what many women from my generation did when a man was around. Early on in life and Indirectly, I was taught to take care of my man, it didn’t matter if the man was a friend or a lover. It was a woman’s role and I learned it well!

There is no longer any communication between us, and for that, I feel an incredible sadness. I guess one could say we had a “falling out” and he “ghosted” me. I reached out via email twice after he sent me an incredibly hurtful email and he never responded. It was then I started to see the inequity in our friendship. I was giving freely of myself, without expecting anything in return, and he was only taking and taking, “bread crumbing” me. Any other healthy individual would have seen the imbalance in our friendship, yet this is how I’d always lived my life… putting the needs of others before mine and not even realizing it.

He was the first person I’d allowed to see and feel the love in my heart, since Jim died. To be treated as if our friendship was not worth discussing was tremendously hurtful. Unfortunately, I was not able to put verbal closure on this situation.

At first, the thought of not being able to talk with him after he “ghosted” me was almost too difficult to comprehend. Of course, I’d experienced friendships drifting away, throughout my lifetime, but I’d never, until this time, thought about the fact not everyone was meant to stay in my life forever. That realization was extremely difficult and painful when it came to this friendship. I loved this person very much and wasn’t ready for him to be out of my life.

I was never able to hear what our friendship taught him, but I certainly know what lessons he taught me. It was only through my own self-analyzation that I was able to truly understand the areas of myself that needed to be changed and healed. Many people don’t get to this stage of growth because they continue to stay “stuck” in their pain, confusion, anger, and angst.

Thank you, my friend, for helping me learn the following lessons…(I’m still working on some of these)

• Codependency… how important it is to enter into a friendship of any kind as a whole person, not needing someone to complete me

• Self love… to love and respect myself

  • The importance of not looking outside of myself for acceptance and love

  • Treat myself with love and respect so others know how I deserve to be treated

• Unhealthy patterns… Opening my eyes to the unhealthy patterns I was repeating in my life

  • I gave and gave, expecting nothing in return...therefore I got nothing in return...a pattern I’d repeated all my life..knowing no other way to live

• Reciprocity… Equal balance of give and take

• People Pleasing Syndrome~Healing from (PPS)~: https://medium.com/swlh/5-steps-to-heal-from-people-pleasing-syndrome-3c843a0a0b6d

  • No longer apologizing for things beyond my control

  • No longer always needing to please others at my expense

• Sharing feelings...The importance of sharing my feelings even if they are not reciprocated

  • His inability to show his feeling helped me understand how important sharing feelings is in a friendship

• Inner Child… To look at the role of my inner child and see how I was allowing my fears and insecurities to hold me back from fully living my life

• Healthy relationships… How I deserve a healthy relationship in my life with someone who can be there for me

• Release control… How important it is to not dwell on situations I can’t control… to “Let go and let God”

• Self reflection… The value of self reflection so I can live with integrity… always evaluating how I could have handled a situation better or change something about myself to be a better person

Now I feel at peace with the conclusion of this friendship. I know in my heart, I did everything I could for him. I believe we all have free will and it was his decision to “cut ties” with me.

As far as I’m concerned, I’ve “moved on”. I’m in a very different place in my life now and the person he knew in the past is not the one I am today. The beautiful connection we had during our two year friendship, and the difficult lessons I learned about myself, have helped me grow into the person I am today.

My inner and outer-self have been almost completely transformed. It was this heart-breaking situation that started the process and my brand artist’s encouragement of self- empowerment that moved me to new levels in my development.

I’ve made the conscious decision to not allow this situation to cause me to hide my heart away like I’ve done in the past. Even though my heart felt as if it was broken, I owe it to myself to continue sharing my love with others. I have too much love to give… it would be a disservice to myself and my next love, to hide it away.

If my dear friend ever reads this blog post, I’d like him to know I will always love him. I am no longer upset about the ending because he provided me with gifts of self-awareness. I’d like him to know I forgive him and thank him for the valuable lessons he inspired me to learn.

As 2020 winds down and 2021 begins, I lovingly release my friend, the pain, and all negative feelings I may have held onto since we parted ways. I move into 2021 with a new passion for life, and new beginnings in friendships and career. May 2021 be the most joyfully productive year of my life, so far!!

Blessings Embraced:

• Relationships provide opportunities for growth

• Valuable lessons learned can transform a life

• Looking for the "gifts" in a relationship provides us with positive memories

Affirmation: I am blessed by every relationship I have in my life

Singer~Songwriter, David Roth has a beautiful song called, "‘Til You Give it Away" (It’s Not Love ‘Til You Give it Away)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SuIoat971Zk&list=PLtaC4JG7zgrJtoJFBCzduq6R-ZUZDkMCF&index=33