Overcoming Fears…

“I can’t do it!” I said, emphatically, as I was talking with my creative “Brand Artist”, John. “Just try it,” he replied. “Which story is your favorite?” he asked. “My Father’s Gift” I replied. “But I also really like the bunny story,” I added. “Tell me about the bunny story,” he requested.

I started to retell the story of my son’s kindergarten teacher attending Jim’s visitation and giving my son a special bunny, then I stopped. “I honestly can’t do this.” Fear started to rise-up inside my heart and I covered my face with my hands. Visions of speaking to a group of teachers at my last school caused my heart to beat faster. Thoughts of judgement caused me to revert back to my childhood behaviors of giving-up and hiding my face, once again.

“I’m going to show you a video I made that turned out just terrible,” he stated. As he cued-up the video on his computer, I thought to myself… I’m sure he just THINKS it’s terrible. How could John, this articulate, enthusiastic brand artist, ever mess-up on anything?

As we viewed the video, he pointed out the fact that when he recorded it, he wanted it to be perfect. When his friends watched the video they told him…”That’s not you, John”. John then explained that he had been trying so hard to make the video turn out perfectly that his soul didn’t show. The animated, friendly, smiling John, his friends all knew, was not the same man the video had captured.

“Here, I’ll prompt you”, he suggested. As he retold one of my stories, with a sense of mastery and passion in his voice, I listened in total amazement! Listening to and watching him on Zoom share a story I had written, gave me a sense of intrigue. The flow in which he articulated his thoughts about the story, and blessings revealed, made it sound as if he had lived through the experience… not me.

Once again, I felt small and ashamed, because John brought my story to life, in a way I felt, I could never do… even though I was the one who had written it.

John, being the kind and compassionate man that he is, allowed me to be with my emotions and then asked me a few questions to help me understand what I was feeling. One of the questions he asked was if I had a fear of being emotional on camera. Immediately, I added that fear, to the multitude of fears swirling around inside my head.

I told him I couldn’t do it because I felt like I would be judged… a feeling I had conjured up in my head as a child and carried with me into adulthood. I knew if I talked into the camera and recorded my story, eventually I would have to share more videos with large numbers of people. I believed that sharing my voice with a multitude of people would open me up to criticism, just like I’d experienced as a child.

I could only recall one incident in elementary school where I was teased. It was when I was in 4th grade and I’d gone up to the chalkboard to write an answer, and my classmates had teased me for a cursive letter they felt I’d written incorrectly. That one event made an indelible impact on my life. The humiliation of writing something other children deemed was wrong, had shamed me to the core.

That one incident affected me so greatly that I never wanted to speak in front of people again. I literally spent my entire childhood and adult life, until this situation with John, scared to death to share myself in front of groups of people.

As an elementary school teacher, I continued to find it difficult to talk with large groups of teachers. One-on-one conversations or very small groups were fine, but large groups were out of the question.

However, when I spoke with my students, I felt I could be myself. My students didn’t judge me, but adults did… or so I assumed. In my classroom, my light shone brightly and I could be myself! I could laugh, joke, and be playful with my students… the interactions were priceless.

As the zoom session was wrapping up, John gave me my homework assignment for the next week. I was to practice telling one of my stories to a dear friend and then record it to share with him. I KNEW I needed to be able to speak on camera, so I agreed to take on the challenge.

When the meeting was over and the camera was off, I reflected on what had just taken place. Initially, I thought the reason why I wasn’t able to speak in front of John was because I knew he’d read all of my heartfelt stories, therefore he knew me quite well. He and I had spoken on Zoom a handful of times and we’d gotten to know each other, but I didn’t feel I knew him as well as he knew me.

The thought of being vulnerable, and speaking-up, in front of a camera, telling my story, to someone who knew my heart, was traumatizing. What if I messed-up? What if I wasn’t able to tell my story without crying? I knew this was going to be one of the biggest challenges of my life, but I also knew I needed to overcome this enormous obstacle!

The following morning, I woke-up with a renewed sense of excitement for my homework assignment. I jumped out of bed and prepared myself for the storytelling session. At first, I practiced with the camera pointed outside at the beautiful snow on my deck. After rehearsing, numerous times, I finally mustered up enough courage to start speaking into the camera… facing me. It took me three attempts before I was satisfied with the video.

As I attempted to send it to John, the feeling of accomplishment sent chills down my spine!! I had done it! I’d faced my fear of speaking on camera which would eventually translate to large groups of people. Now, I felt confident to continue with my journey of creating my online blog community! Thank you, John, for gently nudging me out of my comfort zone the day I conquered my greatest fear!

Blessings Embraced:

• Through the gentle nudge of a friend, I was able to overcome my greatest fear.

• Conquering my fear of sharing my voice gave me confidence to pursue my goals

Affirmation: I am confident to pursue my dreams!